Beneath This Mask
by 7thstory
Summary: When you're haunted by a past no one knows about, where do you turn for comfort? Very slight shounen-ai, angst, spoilers for Chichiri's history. One-shot


I'm sorry! I know I should be working on _Scars_! I am, it's just that this is an idea I got the first time I heard this song (after being exposed to FY...) and a random muse recently whacked me in the head with it again. Please don't just skip over the lyrics, this song is so perfect for Chichiri it's scary. (Not that he's a loser; we all know that, but...)

Oh, yeah, and I don't know where this fits in the series. It doesn't really, since all of the seishi weren't at the palace together for more than a few days...Oh well. For the sake of the fic, pretend it works, kay?

Disclaimer: Tasuki belongs to Chichiri and vice versa. (::waves a Tas/Chi banner around::) I don't own any of the other characters mentioned in this fic either. I don't own the song "I'm a Loser." I'm not sure if the Beatles actually wrote it, but I've only ever heard it performed by them, so...

Warnings: Umm...slight shounen ai? Just kind of implied...very thoroughly... Tas/Chi, of course. What else would you expect from me? Spoilers for Chichiri's past. Out Of Character-ness. The whole freakin' thing is pretty OOC. I don't even know why I wrote this. It's all that stupid song's fault! ...::ahem::

Anyway, on with the fic!

------_Beneath This Mask_------

__

I'm a loser,

I'm a loser,

And I'm not what I appear to be...

Of all the love I have won or have lost, 

There is one love I should never have crossed.

She was a girl in a million, my friend.

I should have known she would win in the end.

Chichiri tossed and turned as he was gripped by the dream once again. In his mind, he stood alone, holding a worn slip of paper.

__

Dear Houjun,

I hope you can forgive me for what I am going to do.

I know it will be difficult to understand why I have to 

do this. Let me try to explain. I can never feel worthy 

of you again, nor of any other, knowing that another

man has touched me. I also know that I cannot live 

alone for all my years. I am not strong enough to try.

I will understand if you cannot find it in your heart to 

forgive me. It is all right. Curse me, hate me, and forget

about me. Please don't live restrained by my memory. 

There is another in your future. I know it.

Please be happy, Houjun.

Love always,

Kouran

Houjun was shocked. Though he'd seen her body, he still didn't fully believe that it had happened. He sat with a blank look on his face, trying to absorb everything. Trying to understand how, in a single day, his perfect world had shattered around him. Slowly, he began to grasp it. _Hikou_. This was all his fault. If it weren't for him, Kouran would still be alive. Almost unaware of what he was doing, Houjun turned and walked slowly and deliberately back to the village. He found Hikou next to the river.

"Why did you do it?" His voice was eerily calm.

"I just wanted to know what it felt like...just once, to see what it was like to kiss her--"

Hikou was cut off as Houjun's fist slammed into his jaw.

"How could you do that to her?! To _us _?! I thought we were friends, Hikou!" All traces of calm were gone from Houjun's voice and manner. 

Hikou sat, stunned, on the ground before Houjun, rubbing his injured chin. Houjun reached down and dragged him to his feet.

"I _HATE _YOU!" Houjun threw Hikou back to the ground. "I wish you were dead instead of her! She would _never_ do something like that to you!"

Hikou stared in horror at the demon that had been his best friend. "What are you doing?!" he yelled. "It's me!"

"I know." Houjun's face was twisted in fury, his eyes lit with an anger that bordered on insanity. "And I'm going to kill you, just like you killed her!"

Hikou's face hardened. This wasn't Houjun. There was no way that this was the one person that he trusted more than anyone in the world.

"You think I'm just going to let you kill me?" Hikou pushed himself off of the ground. His fist caught Houjun square in the stomach. 

Houjun doubled over, gasping.

Hikou hesitated.

In those two uncertain seconds, Houjun braced himself with a hand on the ground and kicked Hikou's legs out from under him. He fell backwards, dropping down towards the flood-swollen river.

Everything seemed to slow down. "HOUJUN!" Hikou screamed as he tried to grab something without success.

Something snapped inside of Houjun, and he felt his anger draining away. It was instantly replaced with fear. Adrenaline raced through him as he flung himself to the ground, somehow managing to catch one of Hikou's flailing arms.

Panting, Houjun secured his grip on Hikou's hand. "Give me your other hand! I'll pull you up!"

But Hikou wasn't looking at him. He was staring upstream, looking terrified. Houjun started to turn to see what he was looking at.

That was when the log struck his eye.

In shock and pain, Houjun's grip on Hikou's hand went slack. Hikou slipped from his grasp, and plummeted into the river.

Houjun tried to catch his friend again, but it was no use. He sat down on the bank, sobbing from pain and loss.

"Hikou!"

Waking suddenly, Chichiri sat bolt upright, covered in cold sweat. _Just a dream,_ he told himself, trying to return his breathing and heart rate to normal.

He couldn't calm himself that way, though. He knew it wasn't a dream. It was a memory. Something wet dripped onto his arm, and with a start, he realized that there were tears running down his cheeks. He gave in, crying softly at first, but his sobs gradually grew in intensity until he had to muffle them in his pillow.

However, this didn't stop the person in the room next to his from hearing him. Tasuki sighed and rolled over. This was the third night in a row that Chichiri had woken up in the middle of the night crying. Tasuki wanted to know what was wrong so that he could help the monk. Chichiri meant a lot to Tasuki. More than the bandit cared to admit, in fact.

__

I'm a loser,

And I've lost someone who's near to me.

I'm a loser,

And I'm not what I appear to be...

Although I laugh and I act like a clown,

Beneath this mask I am wearing a frown.

My tears are falling like rain from the sky,

Is it for her or myself that I cry?

Chichiri couldn't get back to sleep. He tried and tried, but every time he closed his eyes, scenes from his nightmare flashed before him once more. So he lay awake, studying his ceiling. Finally, as the first grey light of dawn filtered in through his shaded window, Chichiri could no longer stay in bed. He needed to move.

Rising, he dressed and retrieved his staff, kasa, kesa and fishing pole from their respective places around the room. Murmuring softly, he placed the kasa on his head and disappeared, choosing to teleport to his destination rather than walk through the palace and risk waking the others.

The destination was a small pond near the palace. Chichiri often went there when he wanted to be alone. He could sometimes find peace in the natural beauty of his surroundings. 

Sighing, Chichiri sat down on a rock by the pond. Without bothering to bait the hook, he cast his line into the water. Catching fish wasn't the point; sitting by the still water was calming, and Chichiri would gratefully accept any peace he could find at the moment.

At the same time that Chichiri was settling in by the stream, Tasuki was just waking up from what little sleep he'd gotten. Sitting up, the fire seishi yawned widely, showing overly large, sharp canines. He stretched and looked out the window, realizing that it was much earlier than he'd thought. He wanted to try to go back to sleep, but he knew that it wouldn't do any good. With his awakening, he remembered that Chichiri had been crying for even longer than normal last night. Okay.' He resolved. I'll go talk to Chichiri right now. He's gotta be up, he always gets up earlier than me.'

He climbed out of bed, trying to wake himself up a little more as he walked towards the door. He paused, his hand on the knob, and looked down at himself. Maybe I should put on a shirt first...' he thought.

A few minutes later, he was knocking on Chichiri's door. "Hey! Chichiri, are ya there?"

No answer. 

"Chichiri?" Tasuki asked curiously, pushing open the door. 

The room was empty. Chichiri's staff, cloak and hat were gone. Tasuki's eyes widened. "Where...where'd he go this early? He wouldn' bring his kasa n stuff ta _breakfast_, would he?"

As he looked around the room once more, Tasuki saw something else. Or, rather, he _didn't_ see something else. Chichiri's fishing pole was also missing. Tasuki grinned. "So..." he murmured. "Gone fishin', huh?"

Tasuki left the room, closing the door quietly behind him. He was already thinking of possible places that the monk might have gone. There were only a few good fishing places near the palace. Of those, Tasuki happened to know that one in particular was his friend's favorite. All right,' he nodded once, firmly. I'll try that one first.'

Chichiri sat by the pond. Today, the fishing wouldn't help. He didn't know what to do. The tears that still glittered on his cheeks confused him. Though he knew that they were for Kouran and Hikou, he couldn't help wondering how much of his sadness was self-pity. It's my fault that they died...and I can only feel sorry for myself?' he thought angrily.

Tasuki neared the pond, walking as carefully as he could to avoid alerting the figure on the rock to his presence. It was Chichiri. Even from behind, there was no mistaking that hair. He was about to call out to the other celestial warrior when he heard Chichiri's voice. 

"I'm so sorry, Kouran...but I don't know if I'm sorry for you, or for myself"

Tasuki stopped, a few feet from his friend. Kouran...?' he thought. Who's that?'

Chichiri suddenly realized that he wasn't alone. Concentrating on the new chi, he felt that it belonged to Tasuki. What's he doing here?' Chichiri wondered. Did he follow me...?' He turned to face the bandit.

That was when Chichiri realized that he'd left his mask in his room.

Tasuki's eyes widened at the tears on Chichiri's face. "Chichiri..." he said softly. "What'sa matter?"

Chichiri turned away, rubbing furiously at the tears on his face. How could he have forgotten his mask? What would Tasuki think of him now?

Chichiri felt Tasuki approaching. I don't want you to see me like this!' Chichiri thought, but said nothing. For some reason he didn't want Tasuki to go away.

Tasuki sat down next to Chichiri. Placing a gentle hand on the monk's cheek, he turned Chichiri to face him. Tasuki took his friend's hands away from his face and carefully dried the remaining tears.

Chichiri stared at the redhead in surprise. He'd never seen this side of Tasuki before.

"Chichiri?"

"H-hai, no da?"

"Ya didn' answer my question."

"Oh..."

"An' don' tell me nothin's wrong. I don' buy it. Ya've been wakin' up in th' middle a' th' night fer a couple weeks now." A Chichiri's shocked look, Tasuki continued. "Yeah, I know abou' that. An' it's makin' me worry. Yer my friend. If somethin's buggin' ya, I wanna know what it is. I wanna help ya, if I can."

Chichiri paused, looking at Tasuki, then shook his head and turned away. "There's nothing you can do."

Tasuki was silent for a moment. Then he said quietly, "I c'n listen."

Chichiri didn't say anything. He was a little startled. It was unlike Tasuki to be so serious, to care so obviously. Something was different about his friend. Maybe this was the way Tasuki really was, or had been, before he had become a bandit and gotten roughened around the edges. Maybe he really could listen.

__

I'm a loser,

And I've lost someone who's near to me,

I'm a loser,

And I'm not what I appear to be...

What have I done to deserve such a fate?

I realize I have left it too late.

And so it's true, pride comes before a fall.

I'm telling you so that you won't lose all.

"I don't know if you've heard this, but I had a fiancé once." 

Tasuki looked up in surprise. Chichiri had been silent for so long that the bandit was beginning to wonder if he should just leave.

"Her name was Kouran. At the time, I also had a friend. He was very dear to me, as was my fiancé. We were all close. But then..."

Chichiri trailed off, staring into space. In the pause, a bird began a high, clear trill. Tasuki didn't say anything, afraid somehow that if he spoke, Chichiri would stop his tale. The redhead knew, instinctively, that it needed to be told.

Chichiri took a deep breath. It wasn't easy to talk about it, even all these years later, and yet he felt better through the telling. 

"Then, Hikou, the one I'd thought to be my best friend, stole Kouran from me. No, that isn't true. Kouran didn't love him. He forced himself on her..." Chichiri took another breath, a shakier one, and a fresh tear slipped from his eye. 

"Fortunately, I caught Hikou before he could do anything more than kiss her, but Kouran...She felt defiled. And she...she killed herself."

Tasuki's eyes widened, but before he could react any further, Chichiri began talking again, determined to finish his story quickly.

"When I found out, I think I went crazy. I went after Hikou. We fought, and I ended up knocking him into the river. I grabbed his had, but the river was flooded, and the water carried a log right into my eye. I was so startled and hurt that I let go of Hikou's hand...I killed him...my best friend."

"That wasn' yer fault!" Tasuki burst out. Chichiri looked at him, surprised. "Ya got hurt! Hell, th' log took yer _eye_ out! Anyone woulda let go..."

Chichiri just stared at his hands, which he was twisting in his lap.

"An' ya couldn' know what Hikou was gonna do ta Kouran. Ya couldn' know she'd do...what she did. _It ain't yer fault._"

Chichiri had stopped wringing his hands. "I know," he said softly. "But when I think about what happened, it makes me feel sad. Not just for them, but for me as well...because I miss them and because I spent so long feeling guilty for something that I had no control over. And it makes me feel horrible, that I feel self-pity when I think about the deaths of two of the best friends I've ever had."

"That's nothin'." Tasuki said. At Chichiri's expression, he elaborated. "I mean, ya'd be kinda scary if ya never gave any thought ta yerself. Ya did lose yer two best friends. They died." Tasuki winced at how that had come out. He tried to explain what he meant. "They're prob'ly in whatever kinda afterlife there really is. They're prob'ly happy. They'da gone ta some kinda heaven if they were as nice as they musta been fer ya ta like em so much. But you, well, ya had ta stay behind an' pick up th' pieces. You were th' one that had to live through what happened. Those years musta been awful. There'd be somethin' wrong with ya if ya didn't feel a little sorry fer yerself when ya thought about that time."

Chichiri just stared at Tasuki. The bandit flushed. "What? I mean, I know y'all think I'm completely tactless, but I do know when I gotta be careful what I say!"

The older seishi coulen't help laughing a little. "Thank you, Tasuki."

On an impulse, Tasuki pulled his friend close. "Anytime, Chiri...I don' wanna see ya sad."

Chichiri tensed, but before he could say anything, Tasuki had released him, blushing, and disappeared. The monk sat on the rock, bewildered for a moment, the air around him cold after the warmth of Tasuki's arms.

__

Anytime, Chiri...I don' wanna see ya sad.' 

"'Chiri..." the mage mused. "Wonder where that came from, no da..." He fell silent as similar words, not heard, but read, on a day long past, rose into his mind unbidden.

__

Please be happy, Houjun.'

There is another in your future. I know it...'

Chichiri sat straight up. "Maybe..." he stood, pausing for a moment, as though he wasn't quite sure he was doing the right thing. Then, making up his mind, he started down the path the other celestial warrior had taken.

This time I won't make mistakes, no da...'

__

I'm a loser, 

And I've lost someone who's near to me.

I'm a loser,

And I'm not what I appear to be...

---owari---

So, what did you think? Was Tasuki too OOC? Was Chichiri? I mean, I know that the scene by the pond wasn't in character at all, for either of them, really, but...

Right, well, I guess I could have written this without shounen-ai undertones, but—no, wait, I couldn't have. _Someone else_ could have written this without the slash. ^__^ Besides, where would the fun have been? 

Anyway, like I said, I had to make this song into a Chichirific, and naturally, if Chichiri was in it, the Tasuki had to be in it, too, and if they were both in it, then I had to at least imply some yaoi...So there you have it. The reason for the unreasonableness.

The title is just a random part-of-a-line from the song. The song title didn't really seem to fit, but "Beneath This Mask" did...I think...sorta...okay, not at all, but whatever!

And I'm going to shut up now. Really. I just want to say that I hope you didn't hate it and ask you to please review...

~Ambika-san


End file.
